Goings on

1. Meet Indiana Jones. But you can call him Indie, for short.
(named for Wyatt's favorite human at the moment).

We had been looking to add a large dog, right? Well, I was looking at grown dogs. But then yesterday, I over-heard a woman in the kids dentist office say she was going to bring her dog's puppies to the pound,(Her lab knocked up her golden retriever), so... I know they don't make the best "guard dogs", but they do make great family dogs, and at least he will be big, right? His bark might scare off bad guys, right?
.
Anyway, this chick told me they were eight weeks old, but when I got him today he was obviously not that old. So then she tells me they are not yet four weeks old! Not even old enough to leave mommy, really! And she and her husband wanted to take the rest to the pound today. :(
.
I even told her several times that she should call one of the two Golden rescues in our area, or the Lab rescue, that I was sure they would take better care of them. At this age they could totally get sick at the pound...But I could tell she wasn't going to bother. She acted like that would really put her out. So I offered to take them all and do it myself, but then she said she would call them...right. *sigh* What is wrong with people? But then, she didn't have her dogs fixed, so... yes, I judge.

So now we have Indie here on puppy formula, and are keeping him away from MickeyMooMoo until we get him to the vets for his Well Puppy check.
But he sure is cute huh? Teeheehee...
****
In other news, I had a dream a few weeks ago about a blue house on a cul-de-sac. I even wrote it down, as I do, in my Dream Journal... So then I see this house this weekend, and it is in our neighborhood, it has a big-ass yard, it is in our price range, it is in a cul-de-sac, and it is blue. Hello. AND, there is a a bronze plaque that says "welcome" by the door...with dragonflies on it! Hello!?!
.
So we put in an offer. Send up good thoughts for us. I don't want to jinx it, but I have a feeling about this house. Unlike the house we almost got last summer, when I stand in this house, it feels like I live there, you know? Fingers crossed, candles lit.
;)
.

Also, I saw my friend Wayne again, and as always was inspired. And, funny-- I went to kiss him on his cheek, and he went to kiss me on my cheek, and so we ended up kissing on the lips. LOL! He said he really "felt like a rock star" after that, and everyone laughed.

.

Reason why we get along so well, number 417

Overheard in my house tonight...

Seeing an advertisement for Denise Richards new reality show oh good lord just what we needed goody goody

.

Me: "Oh jeez, how stupid. Who is going to watch that?"

Kory: "Eh."

Me: "But she is really pretty, though. And she isn't that young, she's older than me. She looks great, I have to hand it to her..."

Kory: "I've been handing it to her for years, she just doesn't know about it."

.

...he just makes me laugh.

Happy Mother's Day

Just things I want to know...

Note to Tinker: I can't get into your page, and I can't find the email password I think you gave me... help?

******

.

1. Do you ever have days where you hear yourself being such a grumpy, pms-laden beeotch to your kids-- who are, after all, just short people trying to get on in the world-- that you are sure you should be saving for therapy sessions, and not higher education?

.

2. Have you ever had days when the shorter of the short people in your house looks at you with a knowing and sympathetic little Mona Lisa smile on her face, and says, "You are soooo grumpy, huh? You need a nap?"

.

3. Were you ever sure, that although not in the way your husband wishes you do in fact, totally suck?

.

4. Have you ever felt like someday your husband might come home and not be able to find you, because you have been carried away to the Land of Lost Socks?

.

5. And have you ever found that it is so totally nice and quiet there that you decide to stay?

.

6. Have you ever sniffed the stuff that is in your belly button? No?...Me either. I was just asking...

.

7. Did you ever look at the stack of books next to your bed, and wonder if Amazon or Borders should not be sending you thank you cards?

.

8. Do you ever feel like you really don't know what you look like? ...Like you look at a an old photo of yourself and see how hot you were, and you remember how at that time you thought you were so fat or out of shape? So you wonder if eight or ten years from now you will look at a picture of yourself today, and think the same thing? Why do we do this?

.

9. Isn't it so nice when you speak to a friend for the first time, and it seems like you have talked a million times before? And she seems to not have caught on to what a fucknut you really are?

.

10. Have you ever looked at your boobages in the mirror and thought how all that shit about how smart breastfeeding makes your kids better be true, because you expect them to put you up in a Tuscan villa after leaving you with these sad dairy pillows?

.

It is too late to still be up...

.

This picture is for Melissa. Mickey sends his love.

Our sweet little guy always has a little tongue hanging out that side of his mouth. We think he can't feel it, or something...Or he wants to french you. lol!

He's still cute.

.

When it rains...

One of the first Christmas gifts I ever got for Kory's grandma was a LeeAnn Rhymes CD, that was a cover of Patsy Cline songs. I thought it was perfect and she would love it.

But when we played it for her, her eyes got glassy and wet, and she said in a small voice, "Oh, I can't stand to listen. It makes me think of my husband..."

.

**He had passed away when they were still young, and she had never even looked at another man. All these years she has been waiting to go to Heaven to be with her one true love.

.

This week, at the age of 91, she finally got to go. I am sure he was waiting for her with open arms...

*

*

*

**My brother will be in jail for the next month for smoking pot while on probation, and then--- we are hoping--- back to rehab, and not prison. *sigh* My other brother is so angry, my mom is totally manic. It's nice. Really.

*

I am here.

Thank you for your loving comments and emails. You have no idea how your words helped me to breath. I am okay now. I mean, I am still carrying around worry in my tummy. Can't eat much...But. I am okay. Actually, this has really helped me to feel grateful, because I really feel this sadness. It is different than how I am used to feeling... I think it is good that I can see and appreciate that in all, I have happiness now. I just wish my brother did. It hurts that he can't seem to find it. That he suffers. It makes my own happiness a little difficult to embrace.

.

...We just don't know where he is.I am deeply afraid for him. *sigh*

.

All this nervous energy I have right now makes it hard to sit still at the computer and read. And I have so many thoughts I can't keep straight. I have been fussing with the house. What can I sell in a yard sell? Clean, clean, organize...At least somethings can be steady and reasonable. What can I control?

.

I am feeling an intense need for grounding.

.

...Under Other Things:

**** We were robbed. (I forgot to tell you, Melba). Just our cars and garage, but still, boy did it just chap my ass. They got into Kory's car, and used his garage door opener. Then they got into my van, where I had stupidly I should know better than to forget all the scumbags in the world left my bag. They took credit cards, my cell phone, cash...and a box of Frosted Mini Wheat's we had just gotten at CostCo, and I had left in the van! Fucksticks.

.

I discovered the missing credit cards when I was back at CostCo the next day (CostCo loves us), and then I went to call Kory (to rip his ass for taking my credit card out of my wallet, heh) and, hey! No phone. So they used my phone, and the company gave us the numbers. Which,-- being me, and frankly needing an outlet for all this pent us emotion of the last week-- I called and left messages of angry cuss-filled triads God's love.

.

When the cops came to take the report, they told us there had been a rash of car and garage robberies that night, by a group of punks who came up from a different town. Most of them had been caught that night, and then one had been stuck hiding in bushes all night, and then got caught in the morning... I wonder if that was the one who had my phone, and was calling his cohorts for help? Anyway, we were able to give the cops the list of numbers called, so I hope that helps. I also told him I had called the numbers, but it wasn't my fault. I have a sort of disorder that prevents me from yelling and cussing at people who violate my boundaries. Kory backed me up on that...

.

Anyway, one thing about that night, is that I saw that our garage door was open when I was locking up for the night. It was pretty late (wasn't sleeping well), and I was about to step out into the garage and check if my van was in the way of the door... But I just had that feeling. I stayed very still in the doorway, and flipped in the lights. I didn't see anything, but I still had the thought "is someone in here"? I closed up and locked the house. Then the next morning when Kory left for work, he saw that the door was open again. So I may have closed someone in the garage, and then they let themselves out later...

.

But see? The Gift of Fear. Read it. Always pay attention to your little feelings. ;)

.

Also, I am thinking of getting a big, huge dog. Obviously our little Mickey is not exactly the watch dog champ. Any ideas? I can't deal with too much hair or shedding, and I would prefer something lazy. Scary looking, but low energy. And something that won't eat MickyMooMoos. That's the dog for me.

...That he can someday walk down a different road.

EDIT 4/21: Things are not good. I am trying to stay positive, but I am very sad right now. I feel like I am just trying to not cry all day... So, I am not a good blogger right now. But it isn't that I don't care. I just don't have it in me, I can't be present or concentrate on your words... Thank you all for your continued good thoughts and friendship.

****

**

*

"The world is round, and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning..."

--Ivy Prest

.

My brother almost gave up. He felt like giving up, no longer feeling able to face his own disappointment in himself. No longer sure he was strong enough to fight his fight. He almost gave up on himself, because sometimes this fight feels impossible to win. This mess he has made, seems too big to clean up. He keeps falling into the same hole, on the same old road. So he wanted to just...give up.

.

But just then...

He had a profoundly, deeply moving spiritual experience. Something inexplicable and unbelievable, but real. Something that has never happened to him before.

.

He is still in big trouble. He is climbing out of that hole, the one he knew was there, but still fell into. It is his own fault... But he is ready to get out. He is ready to try a different road. He thinks he can do it. He feels changed.

.

I am asking you who pray to pray for him. With all my heart I believe we are heard, and I believe he needs some angels in his side right now.

The Lucky Number Seven

Today our beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy turns seven.

The song is in my head.

.

I remember when Wyatt was just maybe four or six months old, we were shopping at a grocery store. He was always such a happy baby, always laughing and giggling, a big toothless smile on his face. I loved to make him laugh. Actually, if truth be told, I just loved to simply look at him, touch him... I think gaze at him and stroke him, would be better terms. He cast a spell on me.

.

I just thought he was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. I couldn't believe this baby had come from me. Really. He was perfect. He had this perfectly proportioned baby face, with these gorgeous huge blue eyes, and thick dark lashes. He was born big, so he was always filled out and pink cheeked... I don't think I ever left the house with him one time in the first year of his life, when someone did not say to me how lovely he was, or even point him out to other people to look how pretty this baby is... I mean it! lol!

.

But, I think it was also his spirit. He just came into this world with such a pure joy about him. Everybody loves a happy baby, and boy he loved attention. He learned early on how to flirt with people and get the reaction he wanted. The one where they would smile big smiles at him and laugh .

.

So one time we were in this store shopping, and this old couple came up to me and said they just had to tell me-- and I thought, yes, what a beautiful baby-- but instead they said they just had to tell me they had been watching me with my baby, and they had never seen a mother so obviously taken with her baby. So in love with him. They said it was beautiful to see...

.

I will never forget that, because I think it is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me... And these old people had no idea what a gift of confidence that was to me...Maybe I had what it takes to be a good mother.

.

...I was so proud of him. I was so proud he was mine. I almost felt sorry for other mothers, with sweet, but less perfect and joyful babies. I mean, he was so easy, so good, I had a hard time relating to other moms I would meet who would tell me things they were dealing with many times. I would nod and make noises of sympathy and commiseration, but I felt a little guilty. That just wasn't my experience with Wyatt.

.

It didn't take long for me to realize that his goodness had very little to do with me or my mothering. Some women just get lucky. I mean, I was mindful of my choices with him--I was Attachment Parenting all the way. I nursed, co-slept, talked to him and held him all the time(Kory's family made good-natured fun of me because I seemed to never put him down, lol). At the time I was staying home and Kory had an hour commute each way. We lived in a town where we had no friends or family, so really, Wyatt was my world. I am sure that gave him a solid, secure start, and I know that matters... But most of it was just how he came into the world.Really. I often think God gave me a child like that because I needed a child like that. An easy, beautiful child that could help me eeeaase into mothering. Maybe so that I could feel confident, find my way, learn to trust myself. Perhaps God gave me a child like Wyatt, because I had so much to learn.

.

He was just so easy to love. And he has always been so, so easy to love.

.

I tell him now how it is okay to not be perfect sometimes. Nobody is perfect, not even him, as good a person as he is. It is okay to make mistakes, to feel sad or angry, to fail at things, to have bad days... He can be really hard on himself, and that worries me a little. But again, it is like he came into the world like that, with this high standard for himself. It makes me wonder what he will do in his life, how high he will fly... But no matter what, he just needs to know he is loved. So, so, so very loved. And again, I think how maybe this child was given to me for a reason. Only maybe this time it is not because of skills I may lack, but because of a gift I have to communicate and understand. I see him. I really see him.

.

I could go on and on about this child, and make you all sick. (you may have already hurled.sorry) How he has this amazing mix of being both outgoing, and deeply introspective. How he has always had an empathy for others far beyond his years. How he is almost comically honest. (How his sister already gets so pissed at him when he won't go along with her little cons, haha). How he wakes me up every morning, by coming in my room after his dad leaves and saying-- I shit you not-- "Good morning my beautiful mom. Time to wake up."

... How even though it is his birthday today, he is going to another childs "early" birthday party tonight, and when I asked him if it would bother him to celebrate B's birthday when it was actually his birthday, his reply was that "It was fine, and it is good to celebrate for another person".

.

Yes, I could go on and on.

.

I guess I already have. ;)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my love.

.

Sunday Scribble: Fearless

This last weekend I was blessed to spend time with my BFF, Melissa. We have been BFF's since we were in junior high. The last time we saw one another was our ten year reunion. We had both just had springtime baby boys just months before, who are now seven. So, you do the math. Too many years with no face to face! This is of no fault of my own-- this wanker went and moved to freakin' Texas. Pft. You can't meet for coffee when one of you lives in freakin' Texas!

Wanker.
.

This month is Autism Awareness Month. I bring that up, because Melissa has a younger son who is on the Autism spectrum. But I am writing about her for this weeks Sunday Scribble, the theme being "Fearless", because that is how she has seemed to me this last year, after the diagnosis. A fearless, powerful, momma-bear, ready to take on this thing that has dared to touch her beautiful boy without asking.

.

...I know she would say she is far, far from 'fearless'. In fact, she has moments when she is full of fear for her son. The world is a hard enough place, without autism. That's all. It is just hard enough...And he is a beautiful boy, her precious baby. I know she has fear, not knowing how she can protect him, help him find his way through this world when autism so often puts him in his own world. I know.

She would say she has fear.

.

...But I see her take it on. I see her being fearless in her quest for answers! I see her fighting for her son, unwilling to sit quietly so that others will feel more comfortable in their own choices. I see her fearlessly putting one foot in front of the other every day, holding his hand, and teaching him all about love. Teaching him all about diligence, and putting ones anger and frustrated energy to good use. I see her being fearlessly proactive for her family, and for her son. She isn't just hoping he will have an okay life, she looks for ways to help him to have the life he was meant to have! I see her fearlessly standing up for him. I see her fearlessly challenging what people told her would be his "truth". I see her say fuck that! You don't know his truth!

.

I see her fearlessly face her deepest fears.

...And that is what brave means.

If only every child had a mother like that. What a world, what a world, what a world it would be.

.

I miss her.

...We talk a lot, and email...But now that we have been together again, I just miss her so much now. You know how you can be with some people, and just be totally, completely you? Like, you can finish each others thoughts? You really get each others jokes? You can say anything? You know when you have had a friend for so long that you don't have to...tell your story? Explain anything? They know you. And your husband thinks you even sound alike when you talk? You know when you are so naturally close, that some woman at a conference might mistake you for being a lesbian couple? (...No? Not that part? Huh. Maybe it was all the ass-patting... ANYway.) LOL!

.

...You know when you are so comfortable that you can fall asleep watching tv together? And one of you know that you can take the others picture, when she is all drooley and shit ...

And she will wake up laughing and tell you to "fuck off"? Heh. Yeah. It's like that with us.

.

Look at this painting of Georgie!

My beautiful friend painted this portrait of me and Lil'G. It is so lovely it took my breath away and made me cry! lol! I love her chubby pink cheeks... :)

.

GO SEE! :)

.

I heart you, Miss A. heart you soooo much.

.

:)

.

(I have been away this weekend at a fabulous conference about Autism treatments. I have to process it , and then I will tell you my thoughts). ;)

Fear for faith

You guys rock, did I ever tell you? Thanks for being supportive of my mood swings and wrath. But. I hid that post because I was a little worried about it attracting pervs... I would still like to sock Judi Hill in the mouth, though. Yes, I would.

.

Maybe part of the reason that pissed me off so much-- aside from the pms, heh-- is because I have heard that That Bitch is going to get out of prison this fall. Probably December. *sigh* Can you believe that shit? How many lives has she ruined? How many years of my brothers life did she fuck up? How long will it take him to ever figure himself out? The rest of his life he will be battling his addiction, in large part because of her and her evil influence and manipulation, when he was still a child. But she is serving half her time...It just isn't right.

.

I am trying to focus on how good he is doing right now. Today is his 22 birthday, actually! he is spending it snowbording with his dad. It has been years that they did anything like that together. And I spoke to him the other day, and he just sounded...like a different person. A living person, and not some depressed zombie. He has been clean for about 130 days, and he is working, and he is living in a sober-living house. He gets support and treatment. He talks to his family, and really laughs about and loves my kids. He especially seems so fond of Georgie. He told me "she is like sunshine". :)

.

I just love him so much. It hurts my heart. It is almost like how I love my kids.

.

And I find myself scared.

.

I think about when my sister was sober. And for several years, even working as a drug counselor in one of those houses...She sounded human again, too. She laughed again.

.

...But it all caught up with her again. That part of her that was frozen at the time of her abuse, that part that never turned into a woman, it still throbbed in pain. And she had very few tools to deal with it, even after all her hard work. It just...it was just too much for her. This is why child abuse-- one of the reasons, anyway-- why it just sends me over the edge. Why I see red.

.

Because behind all anger, is almost always fear.

.

...We know she will try to have contact with him. Shit, she still writes him, even though she is court ordered not to. We don't know if he is responding, but we can't say anything without getting him in trouble. And he is doing so well, none of us want to mess it up...And, after all, he is now an adult. Now. But think, she got her disgusting hands on him when he was just fourteen. So it has been eight years of struggle. It makes me sick.

.

We just hope he will be strong enough, will have learned enough from people who have been there, that he will understand and see her for who and what she is. We just pray he will be strong. We pray that the growing up he is able to squeeze in will be enough...He is still so young, and has so much life and potential.

He is such a truly beautiful, beautiful person! He could have a wonderful, full life.

.

...If only she would fall down a deep well, and never be heard from again... Hit her head and forget who she is... Sleepwalk off a bridge.

.

I know! I'm just not very full of loving-kindness when it comes to That Bitch. I really wish I were a better, more fully actualized woman. But. Apparently I'm not. Because I'm only kind of kidding. I mean, if any of those things happened, I would feel relief. I would. *sigh* I do feel a little guilty about it, though. So. That's something, right?

I hope Jesus thinks that's something. 'Cause that's about all I can work up.

.

...I would like to exchange this anger for peace, and this fear for faith.

Amen.

I know I have...issues.

I know I really should chillax. I can get a little bit worked up about some things. Sorry about that. But. Stupid people really shouldn't breed. That's all. Can't we pass some kind of legislation? Huh? No? ...Fine.

.

Anyway...

.

Hey! You should read this. It is a little long, but oh so worth it. Really. I wish you would, all you parents, and new moms with tiny babies... It is brilliant.

.

;)

Photography by Wyatt

Kory and I had our 14 year anniversary Tuesday. :)

I wanted to take a picture together when I actually had makeup on and didn't look like the undead, but this is kinda cute anyway, and um...yeah, well, I'm just too lazy to put on makeup. And besides, this is Easter and Jesus died so I could be loved with all my imperfections. LOL!

Oh yeah, I changed my hair. I always change my hair. I get tired of it. Went blond again for summer...(But I think I like brown better now)... Anyway, I decided I like Georgie's hair so much, I wanted to match. -- look, if Katie and Suri (my dad is a nutcase) Cruise can do it, so can we!

.

Happy Easter everyone.

I love Jonny Lang. Really. I do.

THIS is Jonny Lang.

I love him.

Like, if for some reason he and his beautiful wife needed an egg donation to have children, I would happily hand one or five of mine over. That is how much I love him. Understand? No sex, just 'here is my egg'. Get it? I really love him.

He is the best. His music makes me high.

For those of you who don't listen to Blues, or don't remember him from his crossover album, Lie to Me, which topped the charts back in the late 90's (when he was a tender fourteen years old! hit the link and listen to sample, or here to see the Lie to Me video), you might not get it, you poor soul. But you are simply missing out on some of the best music, by one of the most talented guitarist ever. Period. Real, true, pure rock and blues.

He plays all the big Blues fests, and he sells out his own shows. But this kid has also toured with the likes of BB King, Eric Clapton, Sting, Aerosmith, the Rolling Stones, as well --- all before he even reached his early twenties. And he is also a guest artist on many other albums in different genres. He is amazing. Magic hands... He was a true prodigy as a child. The story goes that his dad took him to see a blues band when he was twelve, and he wanted to take guitar lessons from the bands guitarist...and within a few months the band had renamed itself, and he was the lead.

...It is like he steps inside the instrument, and totally just loses himself. Watching him, you feel like you are seeing a transcendental experience. You feel it in your whole body. And his voice!!! Holy. Shit. This voice comes out of this angelic faced white kid that should belong to a 60 year old black man. I'm not kidding. It is my favorite kind of voice. Hands down.

All of his albums are good stuff. I really love everything he does. And as he has gotten older, the music he writes has gotten more and more authentic to who he is-- which is a really sweet, positive guy who has overcome some real challenges in his short life. And he is adorable, if you ask me. Watch this Red Light video,(Long Time Coming album) and see what I mean. Or this. Or something soft, acoustic and melancholy? Lord help me... lol.

But his newest album is a little different, and sadly he has gotten many mixed reviews from some of his old "fans". It has the hard blues licks as always, but he has grown into his own style as well. In this new album, Turn Around, you can really hear a lot of who he names as one of his biggest influences, Stevie Wonder. It combines the blues with a funk rock, and also a soulful Gospel. I can't listen without moving!

But the reason he is getting crap from some people, is because he has found "religion", and the songs he wrote for Turn Around reflect his experience. It is not overt. It is not "Christian" rock, as some idiots have said. It just has a Funk Gospel vibe. Every message is very...hopeful. Very positive. Very encouraging, in that Stevie Wonder way, if you know what I mean. It is just not pure blues. Personally, I loooove it (and so does Wyatt, who sings along at top of his lungs, lol). It makes me really sad that some people are so judgmental about his experience, and his choosing for his art to express it. To me that spells artistic integrity... But I guess they would rather he continued to ruin his life with drugs and died a young genius in his genre, like Cobain.

To see a short video of him talking about Turn Around, and some of his experience in music, go here.

So I have been riding my high from seeing him this weekend. When it was over, I just wanted him to play all over again! Have you ever felt like that after a show? lol! I just have to see him again.

And guess what? I brought my dad with me. And where usually one would not want to bring him out in public, due to his almost complete lack of social skills and personal boundaries, in this case the music was louder than he is and he didn't need to sit still. LOL! And you may remember me talking about his connections with music in the 70's? (yes, yet another link. I am link happy today, okay??). Anyway, I was happy to remember that he and I do have this common ground, where maybe we can connect without him driving me crazy. It was nice.

Annndd, wonder upon wonders he knew the lighting tech for the show from the old days! He saw him, and got him to get us backstage after the show!! So looook!

See how cute?! (him not me). And he was the most soft spoken, humble little golden-boy sweetheart ever. *sigh*

happy happy. :)

.

...So how are you?